je veux

March 22, 2014 | (Unfinished) Thoughts

the sun shone through my hair as I exited my building. a slight breeze in the air; it is not cold anymore. it felt like spring this morning. nostalgia surprised me, though. march and april, they are such deceptive months. I can’t be trusted with my emotional swings; with my moody ups and down. the smallest things will set me off, create a volcano of mean words and irrational accusations. it’s one thing I honestly despise about myself; the inability to keep a constant state of mind.

but I have never been able to.

I ran into the magician the other night after not seeing him for long months. and in fact, the last time we had a proper chat was a year ago when he took me out for a birthday lunch. which I will never forget. he looked lascivious in a proper suit and I wanted to keep talking. I miss having people like him around. people with something to say. he promised to keep in touch. that same night, I ran into an old friend of a friend who is no longer friend or maybe he is. and the other two. both from the same company, the same country. wide-eyed and crazy at the sight of endless skirts and bare legs of lan kwai fong; the free booze and then the music. relatively new to hong kong, they were crazed. excited about everything. not unlike him. with one significant difference; as opposed to the other one, they lacked in intelligence and maturity, not to mention the certain flair of a gentleman. I thought of them as the second generation and was greatly disappointed. when the fight started, I left.

in fact, that whole night was disappointing. I waited at the beyrouth cafe, chatting with one of the brothers. he showed me pictures of his wife and children. former and future supermodels. the boy picked me up on the corner and we waited another few minutes. then the bird showed up. he offered me a hug and a bottled pear cider, which has become my favorite drink when I don’t want to get drunk. I knew he wanted something that night so I just waited. and it came. what do you think of her? it was then, that I realized that he genuinely cared about me, because otherwise I cannot explain why he would care so much about my opinion. it was the highlight of the night, seeing the two of them together again.

my life has become about searching for highlights in the midst of greyness and boredom. also, je veux has made a return in the mornings.