to whom it may concern:
two years. the anniversary of nothing, really. when something that was never going to have a soul was diminished into nothing. killed, faded away.
one of the biggest mistakes I made then was not taking care of myself. I slipped into a trip of guilt, survival-mode. I should have taken care of myself. nurtured the hurt, revived whatever felt dead inside of me. and there was lots of it. I should have taken care of myself. physically, emotionally. but I never did. once I talked about it, but I haven’t made any progress. zero.
today was not as horrible as I dreaded. I was scared of my own instability. sometimes I would feel tears swelling up in my eyes, but never quite overfilling. it wasn’t because I pushed them back in, but because there were not that many. I don’t have enough tears to cry. the only thing of abundance is the guilt. or was. I am not sure what I feel anymore.
maybe it’s better like that. I am not reminded of anything anymore. not even when I walk past something somewhere. through our conversations, I healed. which was a bigger surprise than anything else. I hadn’t expected for that to happen.
and I’m grateful. I’m grateful that through our conversations, I slowly healed.
do you even know it was today? and if you did, did it mean anything to you?
signed oscar wilde.
July 14, 2014