a few weeks ago I finished my moleskine from new york city that I bought about a year ago. so I bought a new one and started over. but no matter how many journals I buy, no matter how many times I try to change my writing style, no matter how many times I start on a positive note, after a few pages I slowly start slipping back into my pathos and the greater-than-life self-destructing hatred towards everything and everyone. and there’s no stopping anymore. I wonder how long I will be able to live like that. how much longer until I break free? how much longer until I break?
september is passing by quietly. on saturday I went to the hong kong university of science and technology for the open day. mixed feelings. I would actually love to study there. but I need to look at other places too. there’s so much work to get done in the next few weeks. but it is not as bad as it looks. I’m graduating high school in three days. no feelings about it. I’m skipping the valedictory dinner tonight. I’m going to ignore the speeches and toasts. four years of majorly negative crap on a daily basis. so, no thanks. I’ll make myself a bowl of mac and cheese while you can pretend you care about each other. it’s not all bad though; I’ve met some interesting people and I learned how to avoid responsibilities. the only thing I will miss about high school is the activity week. each one has changed my life in one way or another. even the year nine hiking trip.
but the thing is, in four years I’ve gone through all the stages of the KÃ¼bler-Ross model. each phrases lasting longer than the previous one. I’m working on the acceptance right now. if you just knew. but you have no idea and that’s what hurts the most. we’re all fucked up, but some of us a little bit more. that’s the only difference between us. but it’s almost over now.
September 20, 2010