may 30, 2010

October 28, 2010 | (Unfinished) Thoughts

another sunday. another gray day. even though this month there has been about a week worth of sunny, azure days. completely untypical for this time of the year. my high school days are slowly but fast coming to a close and I’m finding it very hard to find time for anything at all. I still manage to write once in a while, somewhere in a starbucks with a mug of triple shot latte. I’m still not over my coffee addiction and I highly doubt I will ever do something about it. hong kong is becoming unbearable once again, just as every year. summers are not good to me. a wave of panic overcomes me when I think of the bilantaine, which seems as if I have finished it yesterday. not half a year ago. I don’t know what it is about time that makes me so insecure. but it does. I have no concept of it, I don’t understand the time concept of time. time passes by; days are over before they have even started and I am feeling unaccomplished about five times a week. when the weekend comes it’s a whole lot different story because I try to make time for things that are usually left out during the busy working week. I would like to find time and write every day. I need to sort out my feelings and thoughts. recently I’ve started to feel very shut down and somehow internally focused, even though things from the outside have such an impact on me, most often I have no incentive to focus on myself a bit more. it’s very unusual for me. my entire life has become about somebody else now. and I have never enjoyed more anything else before. it feels right, although sometimes I do catch myself questioning the relevance of my sacrifices. but then, they aren’t really sacrifices. it only makes me feel good.

time for a new paragraph. sometimes I miss cambodia, sometimes I miss croatia, and sometimes I miss places that I have never been to, because I’m getting tired and bored of the hamster life I’m currently living in hong kong. but it has nothing to with hong kong. it’s more about the daily responsibilities and endless to do list, which weights me down as an iron shirt. a few days back I started to dream again. dreams slowly started disappearing from my nights somewhere at the end of last year and by the time I got used to writing 2010 instead of 2009, they have disappeared entirely. but now the dreams are back. the most random, unrelated things from my daily experiences or even things that have nothing to do with me. but I’m feeling more rested. I’m not sure. maybe it was the lack of dreams that was causing my constant exhaustion. is that possible? I wouldn’t know. I guess I am feeling content.

it’s terrifying how much I can still relate to this. I thought time changes things. no. time doesn’t change anything. you have do it yourself.