mindful mondays, eighteen



being back in touch with the other one, the one that has been lost for a long time, has shifted my thoughts. fucked them up, so to speak. and other things. I have been by myself almost an entire month. night after night, I walk into the empty apartment, and I try to picture my life if I actually went away. what it would be like. sometimes I am grateful, sometimes the loneliness hits so hard I can’t catch my breath. I keep an old polaroid of us close to me. it’s from new year’s. both of us wearing a soft smile on our faces, but when I remember that night, all I can remember is how angry I was with him that night. but looking at the picture, one could never know. often it feels like an allegory to my entire life. I don’t regret the choice I had to make in the past, but I wish I was never in the position where I would even have to consider something like that. looking at the picture, it reminds of me all the events that followed, everything that happened in the last twelve months, and there wasn’t any other way.

I have been thinking about home a lot lately. every day. it’s been two years since I have been back. I have been thinking about what would it be like to move back. to move there for the first time. because despite the passport, I’d never lived in croatia, minus the fourteen odd years worth of summer holidays spent at my grandparents’ house on the dalmatian coast. but I am playing with the idea. I am playing with the idea of moving there. living low for a little bit, spending more time with family, focusing on different things, gaining knowledge and meeting different kinds of people. speaking my own language on a daily basis, learning my own language. being closer to the nature and the sea. oh, the sea. there is nothing in the world like the adriatic sea. the thought preoccupies my brain and I cannot think about anything else. the irony is I would be so far away, but close to everything I’d ever known.

I don’t know. it’s strange. I guess, loneliness provides for a perspective unknown, or unseen before.

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