mindful mondays, forty-three

January 20, 2014 | (Unfinished) ThoughtsHong Kong

I am keeping up with things.

I am keeping up with the deadlines at work, long to-do lists, alarm clocks, writing, the time to write on my own, the time to read, the time I set aside to work on my personal project life, lately. I’m keeping up. I wake up in the morning; sometimes early, sometimes later depending my shift. I get the coffee ready. maybe I eat something, usually I just jump into the shower and spend the remaining time soaking up inspiration online. I live online, basically. my life is scrutinized, documented, followed and commented on online. I am no longer an anonymous individual on internets; people know me. I keep up with that too, but I keep a low profile, low numbers and low curves on the graphic analysis of statistics. I keep up with things and I keep everything low. easy; or as the boy loves to say: slow down low yo.

and of course, there is us. mostly our days are good, but we have bad days too; sometimes we have them on our own, sometimes we have them together. the latter ones are much worse, because there is no one to pick us up, we have to do it alone. yesterday was unlike like that. I drowned in loneliness and fear, mind-wrenching fear coming from deep within. I was angry and furious, but mostly just hurt and panicking. mix all of that together and boom, there is your explosion. my heart was panicking. I still have those days sometimes. I still forget to breathe sometimes. I often remember her, how I used to think that we were the same person. and we are, but I’ve been changing. but yesterday. I lasted until almost seven-thirty, except the boy called too late. I’d already crossed the line between rational and irrational. I was on the other side already and all he could do was sit there and take the heat. of course, as always, after the storm passed I felt bad. I felt undeserving and ridiculous. despite feeling guilty a little bit, I also felt relieved. I am indefinitely grateful he knows what to do in moments like those. I am glad that those moments are decreasing in frequency as well.

it’s the only reason why we are still here.