mindful mondays, nineteen

August 5, 2013 | (Unfinished) ThoughtsHong Kong

08042013-London
source

good morning, hong kong. today, you are too good to be true. and thus, I will raise you your levels of bipolarism with the above image of a london street. is it considered crazy to address a city as if it’s a human being?

perhaps, I had made a mistake when I sent him the link for the buena vista social club. it was premeditated in a way, but at the same time, completely unthought through. there was nothing I wanted to accomplish with it, but now it seems as if I opened a can of worms. the track came up on the radio so unexpectedly, the memories hit me like a ton of bricks. I wrote a long two thousand words, compiling all the memories onto the page. a lot of it is missing, because my brain is wired only to remember the good. not the bad or the aftermath. it’s nice for a change, but highly confusing. I wrote it all down. from the beginning, until the end. I think I just simply enjoy torturing myself. but how do I stop? confusion is creeping back into my heart, and I am not sure what I think or feel anymore. I get so overwhelmed by the past sometimes, I cannot enjoy the present. I turned the pages of the lover’s dictionary again. I remember reading the pages for the first time and thinking, this completely fits. it did and it still does. what scares me is that the only way how to sort everything out is to spend some time alone. and I am not sure I know how to do that anymore.

I remember everything. I remember it so intensively I can taste it. sometimes the memories flow back with such determination, it feels like walking through a cloud. everything becomes hazy and my head gets dizzy. some days it’s worse than others, and it’s on those days that I lose all my composure and calm. not that I particularly have any, but I am trying. fake it ’til you make it. life works out in the strangest ways, especially when you don’t ask for it. another monday, and another week. vicious cycle of the habit of being. because we are creatures of habit. constantly making the same mistakes, constantly falling into the same pathos and ways. nothing ever changes if nothing ever changes. day by day, everything is the same. until it isn’t. I wish I didn’t remember everything so vividly.

I wish I could remember things that are relevant, and not those that aren’t. something to work on.