you don’t even know that I am writing this to you. or that I am writing anything at all. okay. no, maybe you do know. I am not sure. I used to write daily, mini letters to you. for almost three months, I would write them. revealing little bits and pieces of our life together, writing everything down. not wanting to forget. or just wanting to remember. it’s been a little bit rocky lately. with all the involvement of people who aren’t supposed to be involved at all; our lives are under the scrutiny of criticism and judgement. even though, all we want, all we really need to enjoy the life as it comes. we both suffered loses and disappointments, and we still carry them on our shoulders every day. there’s no doubt about that.
I feel like it’s time that we get past the rocky stage. past the insecurities and mistrust. we’ve been through too much to give up now, that much I am sure. it’s so hard to find good people in this life. just genuinely good people. with a great, warm heart, an open mind. with intelligence and a free consciousness. I am not saying that life has been easy for you, hell no, and that your mind is free. no. it is so far away from that, I don’t even know how far it goes. which is okay. because I cannot carry your burden for you and you cannot carry mine for me. we can just be there for each other, I guess. I listened to you last night, I looked at you. the way your face changed. the way you longed for something you cannot have, yet all this time you’ve been pretending. and I understand that. I absolutely do. I am also at ease now that you’ve found the moment where you decided that you could talk to me. because you can. I cannot think of anything that would make walk away, or even just turn my head the other way. it probably doesn’t exist.
just that one time, when the boundaries of faithfulness seemed to fade away and I wasn’t sure, which side we were on anymore. it lasted longer than it should have and the price was there. I really wanted to believe you back then, but the problem is nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them. I can barely see your flaws and I only see them when I am angry at you. which makes everything worse. I know. I expect you to be honest with me, burning a bridge just because you don’t like the flow of river does not make sense. I should also follow my own expectations. it works both ways, I know.
I cannot stop thinking about last night. your words, and your face. I finally understood where the profound sadness was coming from, the one I kept seeing on your face from the beginning. it’s always there and I always wondered, why? I feel a little guilty for not knowing all this time, because maybe then I wouldn’t be so hard on you. maybe. one thing I know for sure, the feelings, oh the feelings, they’re just growing bigger and bigger. I am not planning for anything, but the certainty would be impossible to replace.
I hope it never happens.
May 13, 2013