monday morning; trying to get all my ducks in a row.
I have been focused on different types of writing; resumes, cover letters, introduction emails. editing of proposals and advertorial texts. it’s all very mundane, but the days pass by quickly. they pass by so quickly. I haven’t heard from the other one for a while; I still haven’t decided whether I prefer the quiet or the opposite. reading his words, somehow, makes me feel grounded, determined. less confused, despite how much the words hurt sometimes. I have been focused on everything on except on what really matters.
december; the beginning of it. the year has been gone by. I have been so preoccupied, so focused on my hurt, on the actual feeling of pain and broken-heart that I haven’t given myself anything – the time or the space to begin the process of healing. within the year, my body fell under various physical side effects: rash associated allergies, eczema, disturbed sleeping pattern and the lack of one, irregular and gruesome menstrual cycle, migraines and cluster headaches. I never took notice, I never understood that it was my body telling me I needed to grieve, heal and mend everything inside me that felt broken and disturbed.
I devoted no time to journaling, to documenting. I neglected the most important thing: the soul work. I did not nurture myself; emotionally or physically. there were no massages or spas, no hours spent in a cafe just reading a book. no reading to begin with, at least nowhere near enough in comparison to what was needed. I learnt new words, but quickly forgot them, too. I did not focus on the beauty around me; I did not embrace simplicity. during the past twelve months my mind eloped around a single thing: my heavy heart, the heaviness rising from within, bringing me down every single day. I have done absolutely nothing to get out of it. to stop feeling the way I feel. I have taken no steps to climb the ladder upwards; to move forward in any direction. for twelve months, I stayed exactly in the same spot; emotionally, physically.
I do not entirely regret the way I spent the year of twenty-thirteen. no. but there were many different ways and approaches I could have taken, or even just considered. so much has been left unnoticed by my macabre self. it is this that I want to change in the coming year. I want to feel grateful for the life I live and the people I am surrounded with. I want to learn from my mistakes, and not repeat them just to make sure. I want to turn the life lessons into my life’s work; not my personal demise.
I want to grow as an individual, as a daughter, as a lover, as a writer, and as a photographer. because I am all of these things, yet they still depict only a fraction of what I am. I want to discover, unravel all the layers of myself, to see myself and to love myself exactly the way I am. including the negative, the hurt and broken pieces. perhaps, they have not mended yet, but it is only because I have not devoted enough of anything to heal what needs healing.
this is what I will work on in the coming days, weeks and months. I don’t want to feel broken anymore. it is time to heal, and to build on my stronger self.
happy december, friends.
December 2, 2013