my entire world is a little bit sideways at the moment.
receiving a certain, particular text (after I have fully given up on ever receiving an answer), at three o’clock in the morning ensured two things; sleepless rest of the night and an absolutely horrendous monday. today has not been a good day. friday afternoon and the second escape to lantau island and our favorite spot in cheung sha beach seems like a dream. almost like it never happened. calmness and peace was replaced with chaos and stress of the daily life. I am exhausted. oblivion of late nights does not help anymore and perhaps it never did. I was just never able to completely see that; or see anything, for that matter, in a different light. my entire world bathes in gloom. one cannot possibly expect a dose of positive energy when they have none to give. and yet here I am, standing with my palms opened, waiting.
my to do list has escalated into an insane pile of pressing matters. holiday season is nearing with such speed and certainty, and so is my departure date. I seriously doubt there will be enough time for everything. it is a little paralyzing, yet so refreshing to think that one day I will leave hong kong. often I wake up in the middle of the night startled. it’s not so much about nightmares as it as about the overwhelming feeling. I am simply feeling overwhelmed by everything. there. it wasn’t so hard to admit that. I was so concerned about keeping my steely resolve. I believe that’s what he said at some point in the past and it stayed with me. of course, I didn’t believe it back then.
I didn’t believe a lot of things back then. but now that I have gotten myself sucked into the rabbit hole of addictive pointlessness, it’s even harder to see what it was like before. it’s always there – the need to make comparisons between now and then. I am going to stop here. I could really use another drunk afternoon with the filmmaker, perhaps he could stomp some sense into me. would you please?
post scriptum; speaking of stomp, they will never cease to amaze me.
October 21, 2013