nobody could ever replace you

I found your words. you’re pretty sure that by deleting them they were gone from the internet forever, but I found them again. unintentionally, though. I was going through my feeds, through the articles that I had marked with a star. all of yours are there, so I clicked the link. and everything came back onto the screen. things have never been so swell. no, they haven’t. every time there was a mention of me, I would smile. my heart would smile, too. it’s not like you can just delete everything. pretend I wasn’t there, pretend I didn’t pick up the pieces at the beginning of the year. I pulled you together, gave you back your confidence, and then when you wanted out, I said, go ahead. it was hard for me, but I knew it was the right thing to do. but now, now we’re stuck with nothing. we get drunk, we say things we don’t mean and then apologize the next day. over and over again. and if that’s the way it’s supposed to be, I am fine with that.

it makes me furious, though, that I need to be your somebody in order for you care for me. take care of me. because it was never like that for me. you got under my skin. there are these little things, these daily things, that I don’t even think about but they always remind me of you. like, when I finish showering, first I always dry my face. because I’ll always remember that one afternoon when you asked me, why is your face so wet? use a towel. there are two boxes of mac and cheese in the cupboard but I cannot be bothered to make them because it will not taste the same. I haven’t listened to unplugged since the start of my finals. that fatal afternoon. because all the memories are still there. everything. everywhere. and I am fine with that.

they’re comforting. your words as well. I miss you. I miss who we used to be. before we started pretending everything is okay. it’s going to be a great smack in the face for you, though, when you realize that I am the only one still there, after everyone else has left.

January 7, 2011