november 19


for a taurus, the day starts backwards; they wake up tired and they go to bed wide awake.

there are only forty two days left until the end of the year. the past week has gone too quickly; so fast that most our of yoghurts in the fridge have expired in the meantime. I am running out of arguments or justifications for my distrust. soon it will be time to admit that it is simply coming from within me and the mistakes, which I’ve made in the past. I am learning how to live with it, how to let go. however, I did (partially) let go of my disgust when it comes to eggs and ordered a classic english brunch. eggs florentine with a perfect iced coffee and a walk around the seashore of deep water bay made for an easy saturday afternoon. after the re-election, I picked up the audacity of hope after four years and realized that back then I did not understand anything. now the words make sense to me and I am able to relate to them in a strange way. but not even a good book, great food and sangria with cinnamon could make me stay.

I took the bus back to the city, trying not to look at the cemetery when we drove past it. it fills me with melancholy so out of place and time that I cannot describe it properly. the sky was low and it was raining. our words from thursday afternoon kept echoing in my head and I wondered whether I made a mistake by laying all the cards out on the table. I slept through friday night, saturday and sunday afternoon. leaving the house only for necessities and our regular nightly walks around the neighborhood. the wind was strong last night. cardigan weather has made a return and I’ve added a little nutmeg to my cappuccino this morning. the upcoming christmas season is beginning to creep up on me and I am glad it’s winter. in hong kong winter has always, somehow, been better than summer. I am yet to experience a good summer in this city. you will see, one day. they will change their mind. because I am not going anywhere. he laughed and made jokes, but I could see that he was hurt. incredibly, irrevocably hurt. it breaks my heart but I had to be honest.

I know I can’t probably heal those scars but I will do my best. oh man, I will do my best.

November 19, 2012