one shot for my pain, one drag for my sorrow

day two. I over slept this morning. that second wave of sleep that comes over you after you hit the snooze button. I kept waking up the whole night. to drink water, to cover myself with a blanket, to uncover myself, to change to a more comfortable position, to untangle the earphones under my arm. just to stare at the walls. when I finally did get up, my whole body ached. everything. I am in a horrible place right now. it’s dark and it’s heavy and I don’t want to be here. but I don’t think it will last. I hope it isn’t. not like last time. it won’t last, will it? here’s my dark world, you carry it for a change. I am out. he is not even real and I hate him for that. I remember reading the book for the first time. I bought it and then it sat on my bookshelf for almost a year before I picked it up again. I was so afraid of being disappointed after the first book, because I thought there could be nothing more ingenious than that one. but how wrong was I. how wrong I always am.

I am keeping myself alive with unhealthy doses of caffeine, nicotine and these words. it makes me feel better, so I don’t have time to consider anything else. it would be impossible to fully explain the feeling I have when I walk the streets in the morning. only the grayness surrounding me and litter from the previous night. that heavy feeling. because that’s what it is. just heavy. sometimes there is nothing else. and it’s fucking hard to live with it. but here I am, right. after all that time yesterday, which I spent at work, I couldn’t wait to go for a walk. just five minutes, from one district to another and there was his face. smiley face, glowing warm eyes. as we walked around, he slowly tried to bring me to his side. the side of no worries; where it’s just me and him. the last few days have been hard on all of us.

we sat in the park, the way we always do. just fooling around. for a moment, there was nowhere else to be, nothing else to do. just to be there, side by side, with stupid jokes and serious conversations. as the night neared midnight, I began dreading the next day. what it would bring again. the will it takes me to get up in the morning. and be happy. but if all days and evenings would end as last night, then it shouldn’t be so difficult. it’s the little things that matter.

I need to keep that on my mind. it’s the one thing I should never forget; the little things.

March 19, 2013