september, vi.

The coconut oil is no longer liquid. There is no daylight at 8.30 pm.

I didn’t end up going to the store even though there is no food in the fridge. None. I’ll go tomorrow instead.

Peppermint tea and peppermint cookies. There were still three left.

I am trying to remember what I did today. There doesn’t seem to be much of it. Nothing specific or spectacular.

Twenty pages into international conflicts management. Two hundred to go. I am internally boycotting this course. I disagree with all of it.

I am hopeful but I am trying not to get my hopes up. We’ve come a long way.

I wonder whether Jericho will see me again. The story began in 9600 BC and I still haven’t learned my lesson.

Maybe something. Maybe nothing.

I am going to persist. The trick is to not give up. And somehow at some point, there will be a ripple of something fresh. Things will change and I will recognize the hard work before it. But I need to persist first. Keep growing. Learn patience.

I don’t mind being back in Prague. Not at all. But I know what I am missing here. Who. I know it and I can’t shake that away. There’d be no point in lying about it.

september, v.

Staying quiet has been rewarding. There’s a lesson in this.

Second evening at home. I actually like this.

I need a project to work on. Something specific and long-term.

After I came back for the second time, he only asked me قهوة؟ That deep-throat sound. Of course, I said yes. Then he watched me drink it in silence without another word.

I ran into her on the ground floor and we rode up in the elevator together. The past year has left a visible mark on her.

I feel like I’m changing. Compliments change a person.

I am hungry for more. Which is why I am going to keep going. Keep learning.

Burning pressure behind my eyes.

I ate the entire packet of pepper cookies. I had to.

They don’t like rebels or revolutionaries. But that’s not my problem.

september, iv.

Awake at 5 am.

First morning back in Prague: gloomy, chilly.

The fact that I woke up too early on the very first morning revealed everything I needed to know.

I spilled water all over the floor. Then the coffee overflew all over the stove.

I spent most of the working hours reading. I didn’t do any of the other work.

On the way home, heavy rain fell. By the time I stepped off the tram, it stopped.

Some love to my flat. Some love to me.

All the things that I looked at tonight. All the stuff that I have done. I wouldn’t know how to describe the universe inside my mind.

Unusually quiet. Tonight is the night when I realized work is easier without music. This is as groundbreaking as realizing that I do not have to drink coffee in the morning.

One more. Then I’ll sleep. 11.22 pm. I feel accomplished. Even though I haven’t finished any of the things I wanted to finish. It’s just not how it works.

 

 

september, iii.

In a new office for the second time this summer. It has all the daylight I need to exist and everything is immediately easier.

Autumn has broken in the city. It’s much easier to move around now.

I borrowed a Pocketbook from my local library and I think that settles it for now. [nope, I gave up within twenty minutes on it]

I have so many plans but tonight I will only sleep.

I’m still coming to terms with the non-responsiveness. How did I not see that one coming?

In fact, what was I thinking? Are a few sentences all that it takes?

I picked up two bottles of Plavac at the airport this morning. A little gesture from myself to myself.

Thirty-seven days. Nine days.

I need to devote more time to reading in Czech. One of the reasons I moved back was to not let the language slip away from me. But that’s exactly what’s happening.

I am the last person in the office but the sun is on my face and I don’t mind. Welcome back to Prague. Welcome back.

september, ii.

Sunday; last day at home. I slept in between snacks and swims. The sky has been swollen with rain since yesterday.

Homemade burek. Homemade plum cakes. Homemade everything.

We biked to the open sea. The wind was strong but the sea was warmer than the air.

I keep diving in and out. Pausing before I come up for air just to look around me. Even my heartbeat with the sea. The massive deep blue around me. The sheer vastness of it.

Quiet before the summer storm.

Coffee, Campari, Karlovačko, bijela bevanda.

I returned home barefoot.

The hardest goodbye. Then the feeling of being depleted.

I suddenly missed him so much I felt like my chest was going to collapse. Just feeling the weight of his body next to me.

I think I won’t make the same mistakes anymore. The past three years have been mostly about that.