secret love

Split, Croatia.

The waves, again.

The beginning started in Split — just like last year. The same raw steak with mangold and a bottle of impeccable red wine. All the blue, the salty air, the beating heart of what home is. Nine days of bliss. With the first sunset of the year, I left the seaside. As we drove up north, it became darker and colder; a thin moon crescent followed me through the window. The second I lost sight of the sea, the sinking feeling flooded me. A melancholic sadness of sorts. Similar to the way one thinks of a lost love. The way I think of him. It’s always the same.

Tiny Zagreb airport. A home between the homes. I slept three hours and instead of an alarm clock, I heard the staff come in to work at the check-in counters. My flight was so early the sun wasn’t going to come up for another five hours. First coffee of the day at 4.15 am. My eyes burned from the lack of sleep and I couldn’t shake away the screenshot of his email from my mind. Three dots, a question mark. A bit like my naivete. Happy New Year. No sleep except for everyone on the plane. My hands shook too much to write and I couldn’t read because words danced before my eyes, so I flipped through the in-flight magazine just to do something only to be hit in the face with a full-page Victorinox ad featuring The Center and nothing else. Of all Hong Kong skylines, they picked his. I shut my eyes close but slumber never came. Of course not.

I came back to Prague uneasy; I came back to snow, deadlines, conversations that never happened, and having to face the reality. But I’m not blinded by fear and insecurity of the unknown anymore.

The hope for this year is to stop at nothing. To keep believing. To never settle for less.

Post scriptum — the title is a nod to George Michael.