see you next year, kid


it was nice knowing you, 2009.

I meant to write sooner. I wanted to. but there was no time. no words made up in the process this time. everything just came as it was. there was no time to think about anything. not even the consequences. and I guess that’s how I can describe 2009. no time time to think about anything. things happened, people came and went, some things stayed with me, others were lost. I wrote very little this year. I literally came up with no new stories. a few poems once in a while and endless essays on topics, which do not interest me. writing is one of the things I will definitely focus on in the upcoming year. I think I can trust myself with that one.

I am not sure where to begin. the year started off amazingly. friends from croatia stayed with us for a few days. I remember coming home at six in the morning listening to leonard cohen’s in my secret life. I was sitting on the floor feeling something I wanted to feel for the rest of the year. I felt peaceful, content, comfortable in my own skin. it was a special night. in the later weeks my cousin from slovenia came to hong kong, it was valentine’s, we were at maria’s. I still remember the red color of the singer’s jumper, and his smile when he sung my cherie amour for me for the millionth time. I thought I could finally be happy. it feels like centuries ago. a few weeks later the band fell apart and I stopped going there. because it was too hard. too different. I missed it. I spent a lot time with people I cared about. I made new friends, kept the old ones even closer, because I remembered what corleone said. I am still working out where my enemies are because I am too blind to see them. I turned eighteen I celebrated with my family and a very special friend from belgrade. I traveled to vietnam, fell in love, wrote a letter and then fell out of it. that trip changed certain things for me. the way I see the world, the way I see kids and everything I have. sometimes it feels like it’s rubbing off, but it doesn’t really take much to be reminded the way I felt in that hotel room. it doesn’t really take much. spring break was really a spring break. as soon as I recovered from the broken heart I met someone who would make things even worse by leaving too soon and without a goodbye. I never forgot that night, yet I wish I could. not because it wasn’t worth it, but because I couldn’t stand on my own long after that. then came summer. I slowly began to forget old things.

summer healed my broken heart. in a way. I went back to europe, back to places, which are familiar and also serve to entertain me for a little while before I go back to my chaos. I spent a night with my friend after two years of not seeing his face. that night completely stands out. it’s beautiful when friendships are created, but even more so when old friendships are made firmer. nothing makes me as calm and peaceful as knowing there is a person in this world whom I can refer to as the one. everything else is irrelevant. I spent a few nights in prague, in the city that makes me angry and happy at the same time. I miss the people there it’s always only worth it because of certain people. I went back to my grandparents’ and the house, which is truly my home. I miss sitting on my terrace, listening to sounds of the wind and birds with a glass of red wine. I always remember the light and atmosphere of those evenings, whenever I am a little homesick. we went to turkey for only a few hours before our flight back to the real asia. it was an amazing day. I had breakfast in zagreb, dinner in istanbul and lunch in hong kong. I fell in love with that part of the world because it lies on the bridge between the part that I call my home, the balkans and asia, which is my actual home. there is a mixture of both there and to me it felt like being somewhere where I really belong. hong kong was hot and humid, but I didn’t mind. august was a month marked by constant migraines and pains, which are not so unusual, but this year it was particularly bad. it seems to have faded away now, but not really. I don’t like august. the two of us, we don’t really get along.

every year when september comes along, things change. the year seems to speed up, everything becomes different. I like september. I listened to deliah a lot. and everything they have to say about being far away from the places, which are close to your heart. I started writing again. it was a quiet year. I seem to have these periods of writing and silence. they also come at the same each year making me feel uneasy about myself. but I guess I’ve gotten used to it by now. and then there was america. two weeks of discovering and learning. one of the happiest periods of this year. I met jay-z in the middle of greenwich village. empire state of mind. I loved everything there. I am missing it every single day. after having returned to hong kong I fell into this strange melancholy, depression. something. I am not sure. days passed me by, they swallowed me. I started spending a lot of time around SoHo. many nights were spent at bulldog’s with michael and the rest of the group. there was a lot of new people, too. I forgot about everything. just lived the life the way it came to me. then I met the Columbian, talked to him a few times, now I don’t even know where he is. I wrote him a letter. I wrote a lot of letters in the last months. but I am still struggling with the words. with emotions. of course. it’s my own little thing, my pathos.

and then came winter. humidity went away I took out my scarves and cardigans from the bottom of boxes where I should be putting my old notebooks and books instead. but I don’t. there was a lot of people in the last two months of the year. most of them meant nothing to me but it was still nice to see them, to take them around. of course, I finished my junior year. not as successfully as I should have. everything went downhill for a little while but I picked myself up, put the pieces back together. or maybe somebody else did. I am not sure. friends from the north came to hong kong, and although I tried to keep my distance during the first moments, I soon gave in. I wear my heart on the sleeve, that’s my problem not anybody else’s. I wouldn’t want to live in any other way. I don’t regret anything, except for the emptiness now. I always managed though. and I always will. there’s nothing I regret from this year, but there’s a lot of mistakes to be learned from. 2009 was a very good year and things will get even better. hopefully. big decisions and steps lie ahead of me and I am going to need every single molecule of strength and willingness that I can muster to make them happen. but I look forward to it.

bring it on, 2010.

December 31, 2009