every day I come closer to being farther away from everything I’d ever known. september rolled in and out without me being able to take proper notice. of anything. three days until october and I am not sure why. I am beginning to feel the consequences from the lack of my time management skills; mostly just physically. four or five hours of sleep have sort of become a regular sleeping pattern under which I succumb once in a while and disappear into deep, disturbing slumber under my duvet for two days. I need one of those two days now. just to sleep and do absolutely nothing else. read, perhaps.
on a different note, today marks an anniversary of something that isn’t even important anymore yet every year I remember. I remember those days back in prague with first love and keep thinking what if things were different. I cannot help it but fall into a strange delirium of nostalgia and sadness. it isn’t that I am not happy right now. it’s just knowing that once things were supposed to be different. things, which passed me by without me being able to stop any of it. it is the greatest irony of this life that when someone tells you they love you, you cannot feel it. but once they stop, you feel it with every single fibre of your being. perhaps, if I stopped lying to him, maybe I would learn how to trust him. oh, the ironies.
writing feels like a tedious task lately. what’s the point? I keep asking myself over and over but nothing. the voices inside my head are always silent when I need answers. so I spend my evenings and nights on the dark side with the boy. indulging in the simplest things life can offer and not think about much else. his presence, his embrace. because what else is there?
mornings are darker and cooler now. soon winter will take over and I will have something else to be nostalgic about.
September 27, 2012