notes on the last couple of days.
allen youngblood offers the best hugs. it was so self-affirming and sincere. nothing out of the proportion or context. just a simple question: can we hug for a little bit? out of all the compliments and comments in my direction that night, it meant a whole lot more to me. it was good to see them. flynn, my teddy bear drank his usual red and cringed at the local singer’s failed rendition of whitney houston’s I will always love you. well, we all did. the guitarist was missing, but it was okay. I am hoping we’ll find each other again. that particular corner in wan chai, it never changes. it retrospect, it seems as if I’ve met every single important person in my life on that corner. all of them.
I met with s for a coffee that turned into everything, but that. a quick trip to the central library reminded me of the old days when I used to run away from school and hide in the aisles filled with nothing but books. I used to spend entire afternoons, sitting cross-legged on the floor, reading complete volumes on world history and whatever else that would feed my curiosity. quietly reciting the sylvia plath’s the bell jar, only to interrupt her with poetry of mao zedong. those afternoons there, at that time they seemed like the only way how I could remain sane and intact. I always left only after they kicked me out. which was just about around the time we were there. memories flooded me. I must have read a couple of hundred books the fall and winter of 2009. I remember the delifrance downstairs and eating my weight in almond croissants with black coffee.
all of a sudden, it was nighttime. I could feel the heat of the pavement, as I stood outside, smoking a cigarette. people passed me by, I waited for him to return. my mind wandered away, completely. I almost didn’t notice the red light at a street crossing opposite. we spent half an hour rummaging through a thrift clothes shop; I found a perfect little black dress for less than a hundred dollars. the corner of his mouth curved a little bit; more of a hint of a smile rather than an actual expression. I saw a glimpse of it in the mirror reflection as I was trying to see if the dress would fit me. he didn’t say anything, but I wondered whether he imagined me wearing it in his mind.
what’s the difference between vibe and chemistry between two people? he shows me hints and pieces of himself, each time there’s a little bit more to the story than there was before. he offers himself to me and I just take it, without giving too much in return. something holds me back every time I’d like to share something with him. what if? I never gave much thought to this before. I am not sure why start now. the night moved along. drinks were had, jokes were said, entire packs of smokes were finished. the music was loud and the people were there; moving around, pushing each other in a drunken concept of having a good time. I always look at everyone around me; not sure whether to be disgusted or amused.
at some point, we weren’t there anymore. pointless exchange of sentences that led and contributed to absolutely nothing. I took the bus back to the dark side. after three days of not speaking at all; I was relieved to see him. his face, the way he moves. something familiar, something that is entirely mine. or at least, I am blind enough to convince myself of that. where did you disappear? we both did, I just didn’t know it before that moment. the boy from the bird was hilarious as always, I was happy to see him. we left home together and it made everything okay. just as I fell asleep with the soft outline of sunrise on the horizon, I thought, absence really does make the heart grow fonder.
September 26, 2013