seven nine zero

three images from october. it was a much sunnier month than the last two. I am missing the warm glow of sunbeam; the way it fills the streets of hong kong with color and brightness.

the year is coming to its end.

I started thinking whether I should write a bilantaine (is that even a word? it seems to me it is just a remainder of the old days. ailyn? juneau?) or not. when I think about the last twelve months; I don’t want to write anything. there have been more bad days than good days and twenty-thirteen needs to be better.

it has to be.

instead of writing about these past twelve months, I am focusing on those that are yet to come. I am grateful that susannah has made the time and created another one of her workbooks. it’s just a small thing, really. but somehow it feels relevant to sit down with it and actually create a focus for 2013. I doubt that I will share mine, but it is good to have it.

so thank you for that.

yesterday was a terrible day. I felt like a dog that knows it’s about to die. the way they hide in the woods, so nobody can see them. I am watching lie to me again and I am beginning to see it everywhere. it’s too much. I still write daily miniature letters to him; three months worth of self-doubt and anxiety unbalanced with being completely crazy. sometimes I feel like a traitor because I never showed him any of it.

but it’s better like that.

December 7, 2012