she’s always

June 17, 2017 | (Unfinished) Thoughts
Gorgeous sunny Prague. Around my neighborhood.

I battle with sleep. I battle with my brain that refuses to settle. I change my mind so often I am not sure how I ever make a decision about anything at all. And yet, it’s one of the things that I am actually good at. Making decisions, that is.

Everything seems to have fallen on me in an abundance: the number of flights taken, glasses of wine drunk, packs of cigarettes inhaled, nights of broken sleep (that I still managed to pull through). Which makes me all the more grateful for someone like him. I am not ready to put it into words yet. It doesn’t seem fair.

It was a Monday when maman called about our grandmother. We’d been waiting for it for so long that I wasn’t even sure how to react when it finally happened. I sat in the darkness of the Harrison conference room, thinking. I knew instantly I had to go home. For the funeral, but mostly for my dad. I didn’t want to leave without anyone knowing. I craved support but the type you don’t have to ask for and with him, I don’t have to ask for anything at all. I’ve been taking more than I’ve been giving; the damage is self-apparent already.

Four days in Bosnia exhausted me. Emotionally, physically. I returned to Zagreb and downed three glasses of wine just to feel my pulse again. Bosnia is my motherland and I don’t have any need to ever go back there. If that’s not the definition of the sinking feeling, I don’t know what is. Back to Zagreb airport, back to Prague. Back to nothing. Except not really. It felt like there was something to return to and that was a new feeling. A scary new feeling.

With this return to Prague, I am okay with being back. Okay with being for the time being. I’ve been hanging out around my neighborhood, mostly alone, but not always. Vietnamese for breakfast with a double espresso and an early-summer downpour that drenched me to the bone before I could reach my front door. Mornings at my corner coffee shop with a law book and hopes for the future. Mornings with him. Mornings alone. Obsessed with light and time. I haven’t been this content in a long time but when was the last time that lasted?