I haven’t been writing lately. I haven’t been taking photos. I haven’t been anything. I am finding myself in this emotional vacuum. I don’t feel inspired but I still notice the little things around me. I suppose that’s what keeps me going on a daily basis. in the long term, however, I just seem to be stuck. indefinitely, impossibly stuck. I have been spending way too many nights out around the city, but eventually it all started blurring into this one big mess of strangers, unknown numbers, paper cups and kebabs in plastic bags. my days are busy. less busy than others, but still busy. I walk a lot, too much even. but it makes me feel good, physically and emotionally. on one of the nights, when I was desperately late for the last train I run. I run faster than I have ever before made record time. so I went to back to the treadmill for the first time in years. first time since I quit tennis. it felt amazingly.
we spent some time on our beloved roof; with some drinks, and smokes, watching our friends make vietnamese spring rolls. but it was a quiet night, and my head was clouded and I couldn’t think properly, only trying to figure out what have I ever done to him to treat me so disrespectfully. but every time, the guitarist just shrugs and says, forget about it. I spend most of my nights trying to forget, trying to let go. but my mind and my heart aren’t the same thing. haven’t been for a long time.
I’m waiting to leave.
April 15, 2011