should i say hello or should i say the hell is low

November 24, 2008 | (Unfinished) Thoughts

monday morning. i’m actually looking forward to going back to class next week. this kind of working experience is hard to justify as important when you do the job you know that they don’t need you to do. but i do appreciate the opportunity.

all this weekend i spent my time walking around the city looking for a soulmate. even though i knew i was in the wrong street. but that’s not the problem. i’m not looking for happily ever after i don’t need that shit. what matters to me is being able to share a moment with someone. to share a moment with someone. isn’t that i have been doing during the last few months? sharing a moment with someone? the band, the mystery 5, the greek boy, the twins, dave and other people from diana’s ring. isn’t it what i already have? i said i was happy but i only said that because it felt like i was not missing anybody. for a very short moment i thought i had everyhing i have ever wanted. everything i ever needed. the people around me, the people i know, the music, the city i am living in, the small talent in form of writing. it made me feel like i have everything i have ever wanted. and where is the truth?

i’m thinking about new york, i’m thinking about the united states, the future that lies in that country. in a way, my thoughts are affected by the stand up comedy i have been watching lately. i’m thinking about the next year, about all the things i will have to do. i have a couple of interviews coming up next week with my next-year teachers. i’m thinking about my writing and the potential job i could get at the company i am working at now. all of a sudden i am becoming aware of all the possibilites that are laid out in front of me. why the fuck have i been sleeping for so long? i’m thinking about mandarin and how it would positively affect my life if i were able to learn it good enough to use it in my life, in my career. funny word, career. chris made me think about it last night (i finally watched kill the messenger special) about the difference between a job and a career. he dropped out in tenth grade and still became who he is today. i’m thinking how is that possible in this world? how does one become so great with the only diploma to show a high school report from grade 10? it reminded me of my own willingness to drop out of high school last year. aren’t we all the same? is it really only about the contacts and network of people you have and the right place at the right time? it cannot be, it is not just about luck (whatever that means). there has to be something you can offer.

my question is what is that something in my case? would it be the languages? the list of places i’ve lived in? my network of people? for a seventeen year old my network of people is not all that small. but how much is it worth if i’m having trouble with the small, daily life things? how much is that important? because i got scared into the importance of it. is it really that imporant? or is it more important to spend half an hour every day at the art house and slowly breath in the knowledge. i don’t know what my priorities will be in five years. maybe they’ll be the same and the only difference will my address.

my monday morning musings. what are yours?