six one two

+ walking henry david thoreau
+ on the art of writing arthur quillier-couch
+ beyond the pleasure principle sigmund freud
+ the souls of black folk w.e.b. du bois
+ sayings confucius
+ fundamental principles of the metaphysics of morals immanuel kant
+ on photography susan sontag [re]

just a few things I can cross off of my endless reading list. I finished my internship last friday, which freed up a lot of time. most afternoons are now spent in various cafes, reading, writing. filmmaker is usually present to witness this act of what he called “looking like semi-intellectual assholes”. I am probably paraphrasing but you get the idea.

we need the books that affect us like a disaster, that grieve us deeply, like the death of someone we loved more than ourselves, like being banished into forests far from everyone, like a suicide. a book must be the axe far for the frozen sea inside us.

disappointment (n.) – the feeling of sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one’s hopes or expectations. I have been filling my notebooks with drawn out lists of new words and phrases learning how to use them in a context that would make sense. still at the end of the day it is the words I already know and have memorized, the words that I have personal experience with that I come back to, trying to figure out whether there is a chance of ever being freed from the burden of sleepless nights and arguments about nothing. literally nothing. another definition of a word that I come back to often is appreciation. in my mind I put it next to love. it is equally overused and treated with equal indifference. to say that I am starting to get tremendously disheartened with everything would be an underestimation. people place importance on wrong things. I am not fighting anything or anyone but if I were, that’s what my battle would be against. relevant vs. irrelevant.

it has been approximately eight months since I have left the institution as a high school graduate. the more time I spend away from classrooms, lunch breaks and other stereotypes associated with being a student, the more I realize that being an educated person has nothing to do with spending ten hours a day in a building with people with whom you are supposed to have things in common. I have always known this but now the proof is becoming tangible. because now I am reading, learning and writing more than I have ever before (the so called time factor comes in here) and it feels as though the path I am supposed to be taking is only at the start of its disclosure. in other words, this is only the beginning of the person I am to become one day.

it is liberating to be aware of this. I could compare this moment to when I realized, for the first time in my life, that I am a human being; a person. I was less than three years old and ever since then I have changed very little. I remember I stood in front of a mirror in a small hallway for a couple of hours, staring into my eyes and thinking, hi there. you’re alive. and your name is sara. now it’s my time to do something of substance so others can create a consequential association to my name. I am hoping it will be more than that crazy girl. except I would be lying if I said that this is about other people and what they think about me. I never cared much about that.

the familiar caffeine high is starting to kick in. 6:21 pm. I can feel the sunset slowly bringing this wednesday to its end. my favorite time of the day.

August 3, 2011