the last few days.
tears, then the chaos. sadness. raw images of emotion combined with an incredible soundtrack, mostly just piano. constant grey of a city in scotland. perfect sense. I walked out of the cinema deeply moved; the kind that evokes silence and a few hours of walking around. I tried to sort out my thoughts but the only thing I kept thinking was, I am glad I can hear and see. neon colors of hong kong around me had a bigger impact than usually. I focused on everything. to live my life in any different way would be impossible. the artist vs. the addict. dreams, so many dreams. I miss the little things and I keep thinking on how many big things I am going to miss out, simply because I am stubborn. but mostly just hurt and disappointed. do I even have the right to feel that way?
quiet days. I’ve limited my social life to almost a minimum. I go to sleep early, I wake up early. I spend my time reading and writing. reading mostly. anything that I can get my hands on. hong kong has seen some of the most beautiful days in the past few weeks. sometimes when the rain goes away, it’s like seeing everything from a different perspective. lunches with the father, drinks with the filmmaker. I have grown exhausted of the red-light district, of south hollywood and of everything in between. the clubs, the music, the people. I don’t feel the need to be a part of any of it anymore. it’s somebody else’s playground now. at least for a few weeks.
for now I am okay with the quiet, solo take out dinners, cream pea soup in a paper cup and reading a newspaper fresh off the print at six o’clock in the morning. I am okay with being on my own, but one thing I know for sure: I hope it won’t last.
June 20, 2012