the lateness of the hour

due date. I never thought it would come. but it did. it’s not like it is somehow relevant. I regret the day I asked them. assuming is worse than not knowing. knowing is worse than not knowing. I am not able to conceal the bitterness anymore. it is oozing out from me in all directions. the passing time is making everything worse.

quick words, short sentences. hours and hours of nothing. early mornings, late nights. this week passed by so fast. at the moment, I am doing absolutely nothing for myself. in terms of improvement. it doesn’t feel good. nothing. absolutely nothing.

filmmaker happened to be on the same bus en route home; so we finally talked face to face since the fiasco. the whole thing is so blurry now, I am not even sure whether I was there. nights like those when I end up walking home alone are the worst. they take away my energy, my sleep. but in the morning, after I hear the voice again or see another sweet-filled message from him, I forget everything.

I forget everything except everything.

February 1, 2013