this feeling in my stomach

January 2, 2016 | (Unfinished) Thoughts

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I welcomed the new year quietly. With Netflix, wine, and chocolate. Not a bad beginning, honestly.

The first day of the year was about feeling good. Trying to feel good. To let go of the sadness inside my stomach. I feel like my insides are going to spill out at any moment, and I am squeezing them in.

Split, Croatia. The beating heart of what home is.

We had early lunch. With an impeccable bottle of red wine, which made me drunk after mere two glasses. We took the other half of the bottle home, saved for later. I chose to have a steak, which is something I haven’t done in a while. I really felt like it. Then I also had semifreddo for dessert.

I fell asleep in the car on the way home. Knocked out completely. It was a good sleep. The kind that powers you up more than a whole night of sleep would. It was what I needed. I need to focus on the things I need. Not the things I want.

I realized the reason I am tired all the time is because my feelings are wearing me out. The guilt, the grief, the mess of my scrambled insides. The heavy feeling at the pit of my stomach.

On our first anniversary, I woke up to a text message from him. All it said was “have a nice day”. Above his message, there were six or seven of mine, in blue background, desperate, and left unanswered.

As of today, seven months have passed since I left.

As of today, I will attract the right things in life through gaining a sense of who I am.