I am anxious. but in a very quiet and undisturbed way. it’s hard to explain. I wait for the night. I wait for the silence, and dark to fill up the apartment. during the day, especially in the early afternoon, I feel displaced. like I am not even sure where I am. I blame my sleeping schedule for this, but the truth is it suits me the best. I take a great pleasure in staying awake until the early hours, watching films, taking mind notes for the next day, whilst sitting in the leather armchair with a cup of english tea. usually when the film ends I close my eyes, try to see the complete darkness, but there’s always a stream of light coming in from the outside. I read somewhere long time ago that those colorful dots, which you see on your eyelids when you tightly close your eyes, are in fact old, dead cells from your eyeballs. for some reason, I remembered this at five in the morning last night, and felt like a very strange person because I thought of it. but it’s interesting nevertheless.
currently I am reading a couple of books, the most interesting one being a pale view of hills by a japanese/british writer, kazuo ishiguro. a very interesting account of suicide, family relations, friendship and past. although sometimes confusing, I genuinely enjoy the way different time periods overlap and create spider web-like layers of memories. another book I am reading right now is the joke by milan kundera. whenever I read some of his books I think about the singer. but that’s not it. I have always loved his writing, I am finding certain comfort in his words as they sound so familiar. the question of one’s belonging to someplace is present in every single one of his books, and perhaps that’s the main reason I keep reading them over and over. because I often recognize myself in undefined passages. passages, in which I would have never looked for myself. there’s also a collection of writings by edgar allan poe on my bookshelf, but I am not sure when I am going to get to him.
make sure you listen to this song. it made me giggle.
January 12, 2010