crisp air; the air of changes. I am getting lost in the fading mortality of our age, forgetting about time, about its meaning. I have been wandering, floating around for the past few weeks, trying to remember. trying not to forget. they keep saying the 20s are the best times in your life and I am just at the start of it. are they lying? I guess I am going to find out. each day, each hour gets its own attention and I am incapable of thinking about future. I don’t want to. how long has it been. two, three weeks? the relativity of that expression borderlines with dangerous. my inner chaos and his composure holding hands, our shadows smiling.
and those few sunrises in my favorite neighborhood, the soft light entering through the blinds, cutting the shadow constellations like cheese. mornings like those make me hungry for the outer world. I want to experience it all. and the fact that there are almost seven years between us gives me a false sense of stability and balance. it is better than nothing. don’t get used to this.
I have been writing every day. my head is filled with ideas and words; I can taste them on the tip of my tongue. I can see them printed out. what the paper feels like, the texture of each page. but I cannot escape my own pathos. eventually it creeps between the lines and melancholy fills the room, lingering above like a heavy cloud before rain. it has been raining lately but not enough. the city streets need to be washed, wiped clean of everything. the burden of nights out, confused mornings and those few afternoon moments that I am allowed to have to myself. I need a fresh start. turn to a different page. perhaps skip a couple of chapters because I am already very well familiar with the storyline. how it goes. girl meets boy, girl likes the boy. we all know how it ends.
I am homesick. homesick like I haven’t been since I was five years old. it is consuming me. eating me up inside. I cannot stop looking at photographs from september. I keep re-reading my entries from that period of time, wishing I could simply go back. I need this feeling to go away. the sadness consumes me in a way I cannot fight or do anything about it. the twentieth anniversary and the fact that the news are flooded with it, doesn’t help at all. I was surprised how personal it actually all is without even realizing it before. sometimes I would like to detach myself from this world. simply disappear. in a physical and spiritual way. sometimes I think it would be sweet to just cease to exist. dissolve into nothing. because the endless question of belonging wears me out. not to mention that I don’t know what to do with all this happiness.
April 7, 2012