last night. bottled apple cider instead of gin tonics. marlboro ice blast instead of light menthols. I spend less time on the island and more between the colorful streets of mong kok and kowloon city. I’m beginning to think that love is too much of a burden and that I was happier when I cared less. on the other hand, I do not want to give him up. I am split, broken between two choices that aren’t choices to begin with. I am not sure what to do next. some days I wake up and feel like the biggest failure that has ever walked the face of this earth. today being one of them. I’d be more of a morning person if I could wake up next to you every day.
I grew tired of waiting for him. so I went to sleep, only to wake up to four missed calls and a bunch of messages. I dreamt of too many things last night. they all blended into a mess. it felt like a beating. images of things I do not want to think about; they keep coming back. they warned me about this but I was so sure I’d be strong enough. and yet how? I refused to reach out. but the images. random but fully connected at the same time. some girls fighting, a tennis court, yellow balls, pregnant bellies and plastic bags with kebabs. the other night we ate at the kebab place and I felt remorse. the falling whistle, the annoying orange t-shirt. the entrance and the irish place. I hadn’t been up there for months. I just dislike it all so much now. some days I am better at pretending not to remember anything than others. the last few days have been particularly bad and despite hardly ever being alone, loneliness surrounds me. I am missing my home, my grandmothers, my mother.
I am looking up flights once again. soon, I will be up in the air. soon.
October 4, 2012