volume nine


the last six frames photographed by my amazing friend hannah grogan.

something I learned about life.

it goes on. my twentieth birthday was an amazing day. I was surrounded by my family, friends and strangers. ate delicious food and drank a nice bottle of white wine. spent some time walking around, taking photographs. I bought a new book; james frey’s the final testament of the holy bible. currently I’m fully indulged in reading this book. his writing style and technique will never disappoint me, never let me down. we found each other back then in dubai. twenty-second afternoon of this month turned into a night and I said goodbye to my parents; the real celebration in the heat of the city could begin. one of my dearest friends from australia flew in to be able to see me on my birthday day. it was one of the most beautiful gifts anyone has ever given me. we sat at the peak cafe, drinking, talking and laughing. people passing us by, we were remembering the old times. contemplating on how much has changed. how much we have grown, most of us spreading our wings and leaving to faraway places. as midnight was drawing closer my phone kept ringing more often, people wanting to see me, wishing me a happy day. only one phone call was missing that day but I decided not to think about. people don’t change.

joyce is not here was pleasant to hang out at that friday. but it alway is. a friend of mine was playing at peel fresco across the road. music from everywhere made me smile and laugh and I hadn’t had enjoyed myself like that night for a long time. I kept running into people, I kept laughing and I kept buying everyone drinks because I was in a good mood. then came the hat boy and we helped each other; hand in hand we walked down hollywood road to skylark; another half a dozen of our friends were there. the music uplifting. my filmmaker came as well, and we all ended up in one of the smaller streets of lan kwai fong. I may have had too many shots that night but it did not matter. tomorrow was another day and I was another year older. except no one believes me that I am twenty now. which is fine with me, I guess. we fell asleep all at the same time, all over the place. it did not matter. our lunch next day was one of the most amazing meals and the weather was just cold enough. lou reed’s perfect day should have been the soundtrack in the background.

it’s been many days now since I have started writing this post. I am trying to connect the dots and the days but somehow everything is escaping me. since my birthday there have been too many days out, too many days in spent at work and endless hours of sleep during, which I feel dead rather than asleep. the cold days are definitely over now. it is humid, hot and increasingly unbearable from the very moment I wake up. but I still leave the window open. this morning I was awoken by a raging ambulance outside my window, twenty eight floors below. it is incredible how loud hong kong is. it is one of my favorite things about this city. it truly never sleeps.

hannah came to hong kong for a visit. we went out; that night in lan kwai fong ended as a massive fiasco but I think everybody is over it. but we had fun, we took photos, listened to crappy club music, I talked to french people for almost an hour it was a good feeling. on wednesday I went to hyde and took photos of my friends. I wish I had the appropriate words for the music that night. my heart was full and happy. everything was beautiful and nothing hurt. nights like those make me feel as if I am in the center of the universe and it likes me. but only sometimes. I talked to the dutch, hung out with the filmmaker and the rest of the bunch in front of joyce is not here. I discovered an amazing middle eastern restaurant, serving food of my home, of my origins. stuffed vine leaves, humous, cucumber with yogurt, delicious lamb, chicken, baked olives with rosemary and rice. the last few weeks I have been enjoying myself the way I haven’t before. some events were eye opening and I am trying to change. I am trying to so hard and it would be easier if I actually believed people change. I may have mentioned this earlier.

and so on. this post is scattered and doesn’t make sense in most places but I hate when I create a hole in my writing. noting things down, writing; it always be important to me. especially now when everything seems so impossible, especially now when I am feeling like I am being stuffed down a rabbit hole, doing something I am not entirely sure I want to be doing. we talked about this last night. I keep thinking about what you said and I cannot forget the words. I think I may have gotten my feelings hurt last night. a little bit, but I never expected it coming from you. I was entirely unarmed and unprepared. but it’s okay because partially it was all a misunderstanding. but still. I never would have thought a conversation like that would ever take place between us. maybe I am just too young and I don’t understand. but we both know that is not true. I am doing my best to make you happy; and I am not placing any merits on our friendship. I am not sure you know what that means.

I am tired, exhausted and I need a break from this city. I keep repeating myself.

May 9, 2011