another month has passed by in silence. i have never been this busy in my entire 11 years old affair with education. never. i never worked on anything because things just did not matter. priorities did not matter what i did and what my results were none of it mattered. to others, to me. nothing. emptiness lost feeling. there was nothing in or on my mind. things are different now. we’ve changed. we’ve grown at little bit more. we’ve been realizing our mistakes perhaps only because it is a natural thing to do. sometimes when you feel lonely all you have to do is realize that you’re not alone.
i don’t sleep much. coffee has lost its taste but i can’t live without it. i am feeding myself with mints and dark cherry mocha. it is sweet with chocolate. mornings are cool and bright. i wake up at six thirty, sometimes even earlier, unable to sleep. i am excited for each new day, exhausted but still excited because things are well. all is well. i am reminded of certain things they make me smile. i am not friends with nostalgia anymore. i listen to music i think i write. not as much and not as often as i would like to but i still find a moment or two during the week to gather my thoughts. i am not going to lie i am happy we are back in touch again. you have no idea how much it means to me.
about a month ago a new person showed up in my life then disappeared leaving me tired and hungry more than ever. at first i thought i would never be able to keep going because i missed the taste of chocolate ice cream too much. but then i realized all he gave me was everything i already had. he just added a sense of reality to my thoughts only to take it away a little too soon. too soon too fast. but i am not missing it. i am not missing him. it was a desperate decision because nobody else was around. i don’t regret anything but i can’t say i’d do it again. because.
i am trying. i am trying real hard. and i guess for the first time i can say it actually makes sense. it makes sense. everything. the words the looks the meanings us. everything. it makes sense because i lost the anger. i lost the darker side. not completely, but it doesn’t make frequent appearances. we manage to get along.
given the lose time frame, I am thinking this was written in sometime in may. I am surprised how much and how little has changed in the last few months.
I promise to write more often.
October 11, 2009