what happened to charlie?

it’s past midnight. I’ve just made myself a perfect-sized bowl of bavette with basil and lots of parmesan. I’ve spent the entire morning and evening with extensive biology study notes and three different textbooks. it will be over soon. but at least I like it. in the afternoon I felt well enough to go to central for lunch so I picked my favorite vietnamese restaurant and ate a full bowl of spicy chicken phở. on the way home I stopped for a large cup of chai tea latte. as I walked through the streets I listened to angus & julia stone and noticed that the weather was perfect. it was exactly the same as that one weekend in new york city. I’ve been feeling homesick lately. too much even. constantly switching from oliver to empire state of mind. and yesterday I even listened to a few dan bárta songs. so the obvious question is: which home?

but I don’t want to ask myself this question anymore. being the child of this planet is an amazing feeling but eventually you start getting lost. not in a literal sense. eventually you start feeling like you don’t know where you’d like to be. it’s not about belonging somewhere. when you belong everywhere, you stop caring. except it’s not supposed to be like that. sometimes I get jealous of the way you feel about sydney. the way you talk about it, the way you emails sounded during your two weeks there. I wish I’d feel that way about someplace. I keep hoping I’d just forgotten what it is like to be at home, real home, because it’s been more than a year now. it’s been more than a year.

I just realized that I’d broken a promise. again.

October 29, 2010