unplugged in new york has found its way back into my life. it has been too long. I spent the entire day at home today, dealing with university applications, changing my plans once again. but I hate every single minute that I spend at home, inside. anywhere without people, music and the smugness of the red district. I’m turning to escapism again. I use the internet and the books to transfer myself to different places, anywhere but here. I’m doing my best to get through the day without falling apart. and in order to do that I have to ignore the reality for as long as I can and as much as I can. it’s kind of like trying to keep a room warm by never opening the door or the window. but sometimes I have to because the air gets too stale and it makes it impossible to breathe. except breathing that cold air hurts my lungs. so I rather stay in a dark, entirely shut down space. my own mind. do you even understand this metaphor? and is it a metaphor in the first place?
I wish I could just disappear, somewhere where I’d never been before, somewhere where no one knows my name, my face. nothing. I am not running away from anything, because there’s really nothing to run away from. I feel like I have nothing to build my life on. I’m just floating around. so I figure I might just as well float around somewhere where I don’t know anyone because it would be easier instead of watching the disappointed faces around me. I’m not sure what I am trying to prove to myself. that I am not needed or that I don’t need anybody? neither seems be ideal. I really just need to get out of here.
tonight I am going to watch the godfather. I know it’s supposed be our thing, but you’re not here.
January 15, 2011