I want to start writing daily again. every day, at a specific time of the day, just like I used to at the beginning of the year. I had managed to write for sixty two days straight. two months worth of daily observations and notes on these pages. and they are my favorite to come back to because they reveal the most. next year it’s going to be a little different. no more skipping of summer just because it’s time to do that. I need to let go of some of these pathetic habits I’ve carved for myself.
I’m planning, sketching out plans for 2011. it’s still a little early to do that, but I feel like the idea of the future is crushing on me so much I feel like the best thing would be to console myself by thinking I have a plan. but my plans don’t mean much, because I never take them seriously. I cannot. if I do, I am automatically setting myself up for disappointment. been there, done that. but at least this time I am trying to be practical. I need to get better at keeping up with the deadlines and dates. not leave things for the last minute and a half. having a vision means nothing actually. everyone has a vision. I know exactly where I want to be, I just don’t see how I can ever get there. no one ever tells you what to do. they just always remind you when you fuck up.
we watched the dreamers last night. ate mac and cheese because that’s what we do. when the light starts changing and the day becomes the night I start waking up. the hunger rising higher and higher. I fell asleep at around nine with the big lebowski as my soundtrack. some people would have gone mad from watching the same film over and over, but I guess I am not some people. not everything has a meaning, but certain things do.
September 16, 2010