you were the kind of mistake that I would make over and over again

I caught the ferry from the kowloon side to wan chai, a cup of cappuccino in one hand, an amazing cinnamon cranberry roll in the other and I just watched the season’s greetings emerge from the dark, out of nowhere, imperfectly reflected on the surface of the water. it was the perfect time of the day, 6 pm. I can always feel this particular harmony in the air. it’s hard to explain, but it’s always there and it’s always the same.

I went to the opening of the french cinepanorama last night, watched one of the strangest french films I have ever watched, but I’ve enjoyed the company of the intellectuals and the fact that everyone thought I was french myself. it’s time for to call my french tutor again. at the end of it all I met an interesting guy, we’ve exchanged a few words and moments of silence, a couple of smokes and let the night sink lower and lower into the streets of hong kong. it was a beautiful moment.

but for some reason, at the same time I was on the phone with you, we shared our very different moments together and maybe for a second it felt, like we were still we. but that was the perfect illusion of last night. we are not what we used to be anymore. I want to hate you so much, but instead just insults and stupids words are coming out of me. I hate the way you know I’m hurting. it’s betrayal of the worst kind.

by the end of the night, when everything fell apart, the only friend seemed to be the guitarist who understood what I was trying to say and let me cry on his shoulders (metaphorically speaking) until three in the morning. and my best korean friend who thinks I’m crazy for even having started the conversation in the first place (according to her you’re not even part of our family anymore, I tried to defend you. I don’t know why I keep doing that.)

but I’m not sorry. this is just the way it is now. I still think it’s terribly sad how fast we have managed to go from everything to nothing. our revolution, our legend has lost its meaning. perhaps there never was any, and since you asked, that’s what I have a problem with.

November 27, 2010